IAAOM - I am ashamed of myself.

I am ashamed of myself.

Indeed I truly am, to let people know that I cook. A silly mistake, which I related to my childhood friend who came by for lunch today.

Stay-Home-Dad (SHD) made his signature porridge today, knowing that we will be expecting a guest. So while my friend and I were catching up over porridge, I told her the main event that happenned yesterday which will scar me for life.

Here's why.

Before SHD went for his routine workout yesterday, he left a set of instructions for me to carry out (cut up garlic, onions, potatoes, carrots and wash and cut greens). Having finished those tasks, I noticed a small bowl of uncut chilli padi willing me to cut them up, which I did, hypnotized and obligated to do so. Hence, without hesitation and with a paper kitchen towel (to reduce the amount of essence that'll stay on my fingers), I proceeded to seed them and chop them up, throwing the paper towel 1/3 way through (damn troublesome). THEN, I felt a tsunami approaching, I rushed to the toilet to relieve myself with my water-rinsed chilli hands!! At that point in time, relieving myself seemed more important. Until, I felt a burning sensation with dickie. OMFG! What a himbo! With that, I heard the doors unlocked and SHD's warning,

"After you cut up the chilli padi, don't touch your eyes with your hands."
Me: Err, okaaayy..*my voice trails off* muttering: My fucking dick is burning, but thanks for the warning, at least I know one place less to touch.
SHD: What's that?
Me: *mustering up my best normal voice* "Nothing, thanks for the warning. Why don't you go shower?" As colloquially as possible.

Better than dripping wax, I would say.

Oh well.

*****

Which reminds me of another no less humiliating story which happenned to me in the toilet when I was warded in hospital. Yep, that's right, all good things happen in the toilet.

During the car ride after having coffee with 2 friends, I recalled a certain comedic moment I had in the hospital toilet when my friend spoke about some toilet issues.

Here's what's comedic.

Day1 evening, the nurse put me on a portable drip stand. Before that, we had this short conversation. *Spoiler: If you can't handle sexual innuendos, I suggest you stop reading here*

Sickeningly Sweet Nurse (SSN): Which hand do you want me to insert your drip?
Me: Err...
SSN: Which is your master hand?
Me: Err.....
SSN: Huh..
Me: Well, I write with my right hand but I play tennis and other sports with my left. However, I don't think that I am ambidextrous. (While saying that, I was simultaneously thinking if I should tell her,"My masturbation hand can?" But then, what if I alternate between Miss Left and Miss Right? And what if I.. Okay, way too many details.)
SSN: Okaaaaaaay.. So... Which hand?
Me: Err.. Since the drawer (with my non-sexual entertainment materials) is on the right, then my left hand loh.
SSN: You sure?
Me: Yep, please go ahead.

With that, she proceeded to mercilessly carry out the step by step procedure which ended with a satisfied smile and nod from her.

Forward to next morning, standard procedure: brush teeth, wash face, bake cake. All these done while pushing the stand with me. After baking, I needed to clean up and I was astounded by a shocking truth, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CLEAN THE OVEN WITH MY RIGHT HAND! I was in a half squat position, thinking whether to go in between my legs or from outside my right thigh. I tried both and it felt extremely idiotic and mildly amusing. I sat back down and laughed as silently as possible, hoping that my wardmates did not have super sensory hearing. Now, that felt damn weird but I couldn't help but laugh. In the end, I managed to clean the oven and exited the toilet pretending nothing interesting happenned inside.

"You never cease to amaze me!", my friend said. "First the armpits, then now this!" Laughing hysterically.

*Cue for armpit story*
Ok, I'll make the armpit story short. Went for a cousin's wedding overseas this June. Went to pick up bride on wedding day.Then, saw alot of people. Then, saw very little food. THEN, saw many flies hovering around food. THEN, saw the bridesmaid. Then, realised she was quite pleasant looking with her nicely done up hair and her decent dress. THEN, saw the bridesmaid's armpit hair!! I disconnected my gaze without going down further. -_______________-

Felt like doing this to her.

Then, I couldn't help it but took a second look (something that you just want to look a few times, to... u know.. be sure) It cannot be categorized as hair! It's... So.. Dense. Come on man, I mean, woman, don't wear something sleeveless, if you dont have the habit of shaving. I dont think it is even considered slightly sexy in the country we were in. Grooming check babe, grooming check.

But then again, this speeds up the process.