TYA - Two years already?!

Second year of coming out. This year predominantly has it's interesting issues relating to relationships. Based on my infancy of coming out and catching up on lost time, people my age should already have these life experiences under their belt and would be more composed when dealing with these issues.

Before I came out, I was known to be non chalant about having an intimate relationship with someone, not advocating interdependable relationships. What can I not do, which you can? I am perfectly happy living by myself, just the way it is. A Dutch friend described me as a bubble of positive energy. Sparkling.

Someone introduced a gay site earlier this year, not a porn site, but a social networking site, like facebook, but just for gay people with specific search functions according to one's preference of ethnicity, age, outward appearances, languages spoken, social lifestyle and the likes. It's more like a hook up site. However, I have heard stories of people finding love on these sites. So, I decided to give it a shot, not to find love, but to find the action.
On a spontaneous night, I met someone quickly on the site, and half an hour of chatting later led to dinner, drinks and then him inviting me to his place for a session of fun. This led to furious texting everyday, and we totally hit it off. I liked that feeling, that feeling of being wanted, that feeling of being liked back. But it ended as soon as it started and I wanted more of it. I wanted to get that feeling back again. I was craving for more. The strong willed positive person which I thought I was, completely vanished. I was trapped in quicksand. Instead of struggling independently to free myself off of that bloody sand pit, I found somebody else to hold on to, at least for a while.

This somebody, let's call him M. Before we first met, I did not even know how he looked like. All I knew was that he will be here for a year. He refused to reveal his identity. I just knew that he seemed like a somewhat fascinating person to chat with. The day to finally meet came. And I could only give thanks that he was good looking. Yes, it's a superficial community. Deal with it.
Then came weeks of dinners and movies. NOTHING beyond that. What followed next was a pause for a month. I thought he was a jerk, until he told me he got attacked and robbed of everything on his holiday. (He could have sent me an email, couldnt he).
Anyway, we went out with our individual straight friends to a club one night. There he got drunk and got touchy feely with me. There I was trying to look as normal as possible, so that none of our friends knew what was going on. There he tried to kiss me outside the male toilet, under the watchful eyes of the bouncer. I pushed him away and headed back to my friends. A text message came later saying that he wanted me the first time he saw me. I knew the alcohol was at work, but there was just so much attraction and we ended up at his place.
That was the first time we did it, after 4months of dinners and movies. The following night, we spoke about it. If last night did not happen, it would be just endless movies. Alcohol gave him the courage. He has had girlfriends before and this was something rather new to him. He said he wanted to see me again and we did. We often met at his place for dinner and a little something something. It went on to the next level to sharing holidays together. He was saying sweet nothings, oh so frequently. I hardly respond to them. Sometimes I would. But I was just protecting myself. I have set myself up for not putting in 100% into this life we momentarily shared. I was afraid to be crushed once more.
The thought, "better to love than to not love at all" kept reappearring in my head.
So on his virgin experience in a pink bar in San Francisco one night, I decided to openly admit how I felt for him. Before I admitted that, I tried loosening his uptight self by buying him more drinks. I gave him the choice to leave as well, but he wanted to stay. In the end, I got drunk. I went round the club, kissing every cute guy I bumped into, trying too hard. After which we left, I told him that I was falling pretty fast for him. His response, without hesitation, came quickly and I remember them vividly,"please do not hurt yourself." I was crushed. Crestfallen.
Come bedtime with him by my side, I cried in bed with the thought of those words and him leaving back for his home country. He freaked out with my tears. That was the turning point. Everything had been going amazing before that night out in SF. If I could turn back time and change one thing, I would have insisted on leaving the club the moment I sensed his discomfort.
We left SF on different dates and had no closure to this. Until one day, I decided to give him the ultimatum, all or nothing. From the beginning, everything had been so grey with him. I just injected colour into them, not anymore, not that moment.
He did not want a status and does not belive in labels. Why then, do i need them? Was it for security? To me, it was more of an assurance that he was worth my time. He said it was one-sided and just wanted to be friends. This told me one thing, that he was only here for the good times. Bad times wise, he would be the first to bolt out of the door, and that was exactly what he did. Well, so much for that. It is to me that he wants to have more fun with his newfound self and committment was the last thing on his mind. So, I spiralled downwards with my life, going online to search for the next person and the next and the next. It took me a while to realise what I was doing. It was absolutely self destructive. It took me a long time to separate lust from love. Even up till now, I am not so sure.

Relationships are like surfing. I thank my job for it's perks. It landed me in LA once and I took a jog to the beach, one cool, balmy morning. I stopped to enjoy the view, waves crashing on the shore, people doing yoga, surfers, trying to catch the perfect wave. I pondered, and compared it to relationships.. The surfers sit out in the water all morning, waiting for the perfect wave to come. Only to come crashing down seconds later, because they could not handle it. Should they have just, be contented with the wave they caught before that? Or should they always go for something better, with the risk of surfing it poorly, getting injured and not being able to surf for the rest of their lives?

I'm glad to have baking with me by my side. For it is when, I am the happiest.

OYA - One year anniversary.

One year anniversary.

WOW. Literally, wow. It has been a year since I touched this blog, cyberspace wise. It has also been a year since I came out. Have not told the people who reads the blog. Don't ask me why, I ask myself the same question everytime I see them but there just isn't a right time to do it. It isn't an excuse. It's how it is. Strangely enough, they have yet to bring up questions on my previous post.
For those whom I have told, they have been incredibly understanding and surprisingly supportive. I think in troubled times, this is just what we need. Family and friends are not just a social structure for good times and to consolidate wealth and protect assets. I don't need lies and patronising comfort, I need the truth and genuine thoughts, blatant but honest.
I feel much happier now, I am. I don't feel so emotionally unstable anymore. I am hardly moody as well, except when I'm tired, but then again, aren't you snappy and moody when you are tired. I feel so free and liberated but it's not like I am going to shout out to the world.
However, like my cousin (whom has this "promiscuous sex" mindset about gay people) whom I came out to said,"I don't want you to suddenly open a pandora's box." I lied in her face,"No, not opening any box." I lied to protect her from being over anxious and worrying too much about her younger cousin. It's contradicting but we need some lies to support and protect one another. The truth is, the box has already been opened when I had the coming out conversation with her. I was having the time of my life. I was catching up on my lost time. But it's not like I've fucked the entire clan of people.

And so, I started on the journey of self discovery, enjoying the detours of sex and friendships, I found out facades of me that I never knew, hidden characteristics which would never have surfaced if I hadn't come out. On that ongoing journey, I spoke to several people who were in the same situation and have understood even more. It is not just in Asia that is difficult for people to come out. Even in Europe, they face extreme environments and opposing views, even from their own parents. It isn't impossible, it's just difficult.

A gay colleague once told me,"You are young, good looking, have spending power and our traveling job doesn't make this easier. Don't live life on the fast track, slow down." I'm glad I spoke to him, because it was then, that I took things down a notch or two.

As I begin the search for who I am, I hope that I do not lose who I was.

IYLIWQI - If You Love It, Why Question It.

If You Love It, Why Question It.

Recently, SHD has been buying Yakult again after a period of about 10 years. The last time I remembered drinking that, was when I was about thirteen. I would always go for the orange flavoured one first and even after so long, I still do. And it evokes the same childhood memory I get everytime I use my right index finger to poke a hole and then break the packet to pick the orange one out, leaving the apple flavoured one dangling at the end.

I adore the scent, Hugo Boss, Energise. It puzzles me as to why I would try a new scent and then leave it half full before I switch back to Energise. It must be by somewhat adventourous palate.

I like all sorts of chocolate and whenever I am in a chocolate store, I would spend a substantial amount of time looking through the various artisanal products neatly arranged on the store shelf, but I will always end up with a bar of dark chocolate. Undistinguished and regular when
compared to handmade chocolate, a piece of art in itself.

I take all sorts of alcohol (been trying to cut down on beer) I don't even know why I would bother the server for a menu when I usually would start with a glass of house white or sparkling or a Mojito. I don't even know why I would bother the server for a menu, (like it's my first time there) when I go to a bar I always frequent and order the same drink like I always do.

I love the cuff at first sight but I bought another bracelet (because it was half the price), having to buy the cuff 8 months later. And then losing the cuff in a cab 1 month after I bought it. I reported it to the lost and found department but I sincerely doubt, nobody will be THAT honest to report it, unless that person has had the same experience as I had.

I enjoy Moet & Chandon. However, I will always browse the rest of the bottles by the different champagne houses in a duty free store before leaving with a bottle of Moet & Chandon. I might be looking for something different, something better, something that will make me change my mind, but not yet.

When it comes to certain issues, I am by no means close to whatever I have written.
A battle which I am constantly inching to win but consistently seem to be retreating. This I accord to the culture in which we were brought up. The conformity, seeking of social acceptance. The irregularity, fearing of the unknown. The mentality, of being judgemental. However, I cannot be bothered anymore. In fact, over the past few weeks, I haven’t been bothering about a lot of things. And it doesn’t matter, really. I have got to stop struggling internally. I am not going to miss living my life entirely. I want out, I want to be free. My dear, I am coming out.

IJSTIANTBT - It Just Shows that I Am Not The Blogging Type.

It Just Shows that I Am Not The Blogging Type.

After a few months of what seemed like a dry spell. I decided to quickly just do another post. Well, the last post stopped at my anticipation of the England trip which went great! Two weeks flew by just like that. The two weeks were especially hectic now that my cousin and her hub has a 9 week old and a 2.5 year old.

Daily routine: Family of four wakes up at 0530, a two hourly feeding and sleeping cycle for the 9 week old starts, 2.5 yr old tears the living room apart with her toys, dad tries to do some work (he works from home) before he goes cycling at 8am, mum juggles feeding and playing and household chores, me wakes up between 1000-1100 and witness the war damaged living room and heads into the bathroom to washup and sits on the icy cold toilet seat as I take a poop, we have breakfast together if I get up at 0900, if it's a Monday and Wednesday, prep the 2.5 yr old for pre-school, if not I spend what's left of the morning to play with 2.5 yr old, then either mum or me makes lunch, we have lunch together in between feeding and trying to pacify both kids, clean up the living room, then we prep to head out to the beach/castle/island/zoo/caves/mall, car ride rocks both kids to sleep, 2.5yr old usually cranky and turns truly evil and Satanic if she doesnt get enough eye shut, we try to calm her down and in between 9 week old takes a poop and needs to be cleaned, we do whatever we are doing that day and in between feeding and cleaning the 9 week old, go back home and try desperately to to keep 2.5 yr old awake (so that she doesnt get Satanic again before bedtime) by singing, guessing games, playing "Where is the (insert whatever animal that comes our way)?", takeaway or make dinner with the 2.5 yr old tearing up the living room again, send the child of Satan to sleep, feeding the 9 week old and waits for him to sleep and then clean up the living room again, have our tea and chatting session in the living room with the tv on if anything interesting is on.

ALL of this x 2weeks = my preview of parenthood.

It doesnt seem that bad, really. I love kids. The 2.5 yr old (my god daughter) was wonderful when she decides not to worship Satan. An extremely happy child. My favourite photos of her are one with blood on her mouth with her still smiling (told you she's evil), the other with sauce from her spag bog all and the third one as Satan's child (throwing tantrums with her gigantic minnie mouse ears sticking out from her hairband).

YAY

YAY, I literally mean that and this is why.

Last thursday I decided to be ambitious to give the choux buns another shot after 2 unsuccessful attempts. The 1st attempt, I tried to pipe it out with a baking sheet piping bag, the mixture burst out of the sheet and fell on the kitchen floor! The 2nd, I used my reusable bag and decided to throw it away as it was WAY too much work to clean it. The mixture has a texture like very sticky play dough, imagine the hassle. The buns came out hard on the outside and undercooked inside. =s

So thursday was a success! Well, I used a different recipe and filled it with a chocolate chilli filling instead of custard which I intended to use for the 2 failed attempts but used it in another sweet treat instead.

Once they cooled, I immediately filled one up and devoured it. And once all were filled, I ate 2 more. Yum.
*****

Then on Sunday, we had steamboat over at a cousin's place and I made dessert, my 2nd attempt which I improved on. Well, I didn't have a name for it so my cousin named it Meringue Custard Blueberry Crumble. What a mouth full, let's just call it MCBC. That's.. so... me.

On the car ride home, I shared a story my cousin about her mum and I with our French cousin, his wife and kid. While we were going to our car at the SPH building, we walked past a security guard and he said to the 2yr old (in English) ,"Hello boy boy." We returned polite smiles. He continued with (in English still),"Where are you going boy boy?" We returned polite but awkward smiles and kept walking. Then my auntie (who 100% of the time doesnt remember where she parks her car or the destination that she is driving to) said,"The baby only understand French, he doesn't understand Chinese." I quickened my pace and smiled to myself.

CWTO - Conversations with the oldies.

Conversations with the oldies.

Part 1: Dinner conversation with Ah-Nag-Mum (ANM). We spoke about driving lessons and tests and the interesting part came when ANM spoke about her test. The conversation went something like this:

ANM: When I was waiting for the light to turn green, a bus pulled up beside me. I was rather afraid, I was shaking and the engine nearly stalled. I made some mistakes as well. Up till today, I am still wondering how I managed to pass it. You don't have to be afraid ok, just go ahead and do your best.
Me: But daddy said you bribed the guy to let you pass. (I was made to believe that. Even my aunties say that. Until this conversation. ANM hasn't drove after the test. And I begin to question myself why Stay-Home-Dad (SHD) married a princess who doesnt know how to cook and do household chores until they got together. Love is blind, they say. Or maybe my elder brother forced them to.)
ANM: NO!! I didnt bribe the guy. I think it was because of our conversation we had in the car. Last time I was working with PSA (Port of Singapore Authority) and the guy was a part time tester. So he was asking me what I did for a living and when he found out that I was with PSA, he seemed more and more interested as his other job involved searching for cargo space. He asked me for a discount and I said the next time he goes to PSA, he can come look for me and I'll give him a discount. All this time I was smiling when I was talking to him. But the truth is, I didn't work at the counter, I worked at the back office.
Me: So you lied to him?!
ANM: Ya. (very non-chalantly)
Me: And you didnt see him after that?
ANM: No. (same attitude)
Me: Huh. (ANM knows how to play the game. Man, she does)

I realised that in some ways, ANM and I are quite alike, although I hate to admit it. We use our charms to get things done our way. It's a gift, I would say. God knows how many aunties I have killed. Bigger scoops of ice cream, cutting queues subtly, freebies!, etc. Yeah, yeah, too bad for you.

Part2: Lunch conversation with SHD while watching the Olympic Games in the living room. He made soup and rice, and finished his portion first. Sounds unappetizing but the soup had everything in it! He makes good soups too.

SHD: The vegetables are at the bottom of the bowl.
Me: The rice is cold. (blatantly and mercilessly. But it was more of my fault, I woke up at 130pm. I adopted the rice on spoon, dunk in soup method.)
SHD: Put the rice in your soup.
Me: Okay.
SHD: The vegetables are at the bottom of the bowl. Eat your rice with your soup, then it won't be cold.
Me: Yessss...
SHD: Don't you want some soy sauce in your soup? Earlier on, I put all my rice into the soup.
Me: Nooooo. (By then, i was wearing this expression. -_________-)
SHD: You sure you don't want any sauce?
Me: Noooooooooooooooooo.. Would you like to repeat anything else? (coldly but jokingly)

Well, I was very much annoyed by his second "rice in soup" statement. SHD says that,"They say as people get older, they tend to repeat their sentences." By that much?! In that case, SHD is aging rather quickly. At the rate he is repeating stuff, he must be 238yrs old!

Part3: Television conversation with ANM in her room. My cousin from England called to check on my flight details. Shortly before that, she spoke to ANM. I was in her room still when my cousin hung up, wanting to spend some time with her while blogging. SHD was dozing off already.

ANM: What do you think she'll want from Singapore?
Me: Mooncakes and instant porridge.
ANM: Hmm.. Maybe I should go with you to England in September.
Me: huh (keeping my voice low, while SHD rescues me)
SHD: Go for what?! (sounding irritated, because she had so many holidays this year)
Me (hoping to add more firepower): Ya loh, you went for so many holidays already. You have alot of money meh?
ANM to SHD: I want to go without you la! Want to go with my son!
Me: HUH! But I want to go alone! Why dont you go next time?
ANM: WWWHhhhHHhyyyyyYyyYyy (incredibly irksome tone, like some bimbo. The type that I truly loathe.)
Me: Ok, end of conversation. (picking up my laptop and exiting her room with lightning speed)
ANM: WWWaaaaaAaAAAiiittttt.. (arrrrrghghghghghghghg)
Me: What.
ANM: But I want to go and see her newborn.
Me: Another time la, when he's older. My ticket's free, yours isn't. Got to go. Good night. (quick escape.)

I just want a long holiday without my parents, especially not with ANM! One month more to England!

WACM - What a cryptic message.

What a cryptic message.

We celebrated a friend's birthday last friday at a decent Japanese-French fusion restaurant. Set dinner of 7-courses were pretty good, though we all unanimously agreed that the mains could do with more greens. 3 out of 4 of us had beef, the other, myself, had cod. The beef came in slices with a fan of tempura spaghetti (imagine the skeleton of a chinese fan with long thin "bones"), set on a leave and on a piece of hot stone granite on a bed of pebbles on a plate.

When we asked the waiter what the fan was (it wasn't stated on the menu, ok.), he swiftly but surely replied, "Oh, that's spaghetti tempura, you can either eat it or use it." His answer definitely left us puzzled. Use it? What did he mean? You surely can't fan yourself with it. You can't pick your teeth either. You can try to dig the dirt out of your fingernails and risk breaking the "bones" and them getting stuck there. We thought nothing of it anymore as we eagerly started on our mains, with our room cloaked in silence.

More about the beef when we got interuppted. The hot stone granite allows you to cook the beef slices to your desired doneness. However, there is one small flaw. The moment the beef slices reached the individual's desired doneness, they had no where to put it. They had 2 choices, either risk putting it on the shady looking pebbles or leave it on the still-cooking-hot granite, thus ensuring your beef is nicely overcooked. I prefer my beef to be medium-rare, at most medium. Anyway, so a friend decided to put her slices on top of the fan of spaghetti.

"Ah, i know where to put it"
Me: Wah lau eh, that's how you use it, like the waiter said. What the hell, why his message so cryptic?!"

Dessert pretty much sums up the overall experience. Nicely done, well-plated, good decor, knowledgeable and slightly humorous service staff.

Prior to dinner, we had a pretty late lunch at around 3pm at a Japanese joint as well. Then we had this hilarious conversation with C and D about D's mum.

Me: What time did you wake up today?

D: 11am. My mum came into my room (gesturing with her hands, her mum shaking her shoulder),"D, aren't you going out today?" Then I was like," YAAA!! But not so early laaaaa."

Then I recall the numerous times D had related a story about her mum waking her up in the past. As described by D, her mum would enter her room, off the a/c, open the windows, throw a blanket on her to warm her, I mean, wake her and start chatting with the still fast asleep D. How cruel is that?! But it's damn funny when you listen to it. I hate that heat generating feeling.

C: Lock your room door?
D: No use, she'd probably think that something happenned.

Me: Stick a note to tell her what time you want to be woken up?

D: Tried that. The other time I stuck a note that says, "Slept late, do not wake me up before lunch." She came in BEFORE lunch (gesturing again) and gently said,"D, what time do you want to have lunch ah?"

Cute.
*****

Saw this yesterday in a toilet cubicle in some industrial area. I cannot resist not taking a picture of it. Nice doors, bad paper quality and very much below average English. I mean, when was this put up? In the 1980s?!