TYA - Two years already?!

Second year of coming out. This year predominantly has it's interesting issues relating to relationships. Based on my infancy of coming out and catching up on lost time, people my age should already have these life experiences under their belt and would be more composed when dealing with these issues.

Before I came out, I was known to be non chalant about having an intimate relationship with someone, not advocating interdependable relationships. What can I not do, which you can? I am perfectly happy living by myself, just the way it is. A Dutch friend described me as a bubble of positive energy. Sparkling.

Someone introduced a gay site earlier this year, not a porn site, but a social networking site, like facebook, but just for gay people with specific search functions according to one's preference of ethnicity, age, outward appearances, languages spoken, social lifestyle and the likes. It's more like a hook up site. However, I have heard stories of people finding love on these sites. So, I decided to give it a shot, not to find love, but to find the action.
On a spontaneous night, I met someone quickly on the site, and half an hour of chatting later led to dinner, drinks and then him inviting me to his place for a session of fun. This led to furious texting everyday, and we totally hit it off. I liked that feeling, that feeling of being wanted, that feeling of being liked back. But it ended as soon as it started and I wanted more of it. I wanted to get that feeling back again. I was craving for more. The strong willed positive person which I thought I was, completely vanished. I was trapped in quicksand. Instead of struggling independently to free myself off of that bloody sand pit, I found somebody else to hold on to, at least for a while.

This somebody, let's call him M. Before we first met, I did not even know how he looked like. All I knew was that he will be here for a year. He refused to reveal his identity. I just knew that he seemed like a somewhat fascinating person to chat with. The day to finally meet came. And I could only give thanks that he was good looking. Yes, it's a superficial community. Deal with it.
Then came weeks of dinners and movies. NOTHING beyond that. What followed next was a pause for a month. I thought he was a jerk, until he told me he got attacked and robbed of everything on his holiday. (He could have sent me an email, couldnt he).
Anyway, we went out with our individual straight friends to a club one night. There he got drunk and got touchy feely with me. There I was trying to look as normal as possible, so that none of our friends knew what was going on. There he tried to kiss me outside the male toilet, under the watchful eyes of the bouncer. I pushed him away and headed back to my friends. A text message came later saying that he wanted me the first time he saw me. I knew the alcohol was at work, but there was just so much attraction and we ended up at his place.
That was the first time we did it, after 4months of dinners and movies. The following night, we spoke about it. If last night did not happen, it would be just endless movies. Alcohol gave him the courage. He has had girlfriends before and this was something rather new to him. He said he wanted to see me again and we did. We often met at his place for dinner and a little something something. It went on to the next level to sharing holidays together. He was saying sweet nothings, oh so frequently. I hardly respond to them. Sometimes I would. But I was just protecting myself. I have set myself up for not putting in 100% into this life we momentarily shared. I was afraid to be crushed once more.
The thought, "better to love than to not love at all" kept reappearring in my head.
So on his virgin experience in a pink bar in San Francisco one night, I decided to openly admit how I felt for him. Before I admitted that, I tried loosening his uptight self by buying him more drinks. I gave him the choice to leave as well, but he wanted to stay. In the end, I got drunk. I went round the club, kissing every cute guy I bumped into, trying too hard. After which we left, I told him that I was falling pretty fast for him. His response, without hesitation, came quickly and I remember them vividly,"please do not hurt yourself." I was crushed. Crestfallen.
Come bedtime with him by my side, I cried in bed with the thought of those words and him leaving back for his home country. He freaked out with my tears. That was the turning point. Everything had been going amazing before that night out in SF. If I could turn back time and change one thing, I would have insisted on leaving the club the moment I sensed his discomfort.
We left SF on different dates and had no closure to this. Until one day, I decided to give him the ultimatum, all or nothing. From the beginning, everything had been so grey with him. I just injected colour into them, not anymore, not that moment.
He did not want a status and does not belive in labels. Why then, do i need them? Was it for security? To me, it was more of an assurance that he was worth my time. He said it was one-sided and just wanted to be friends. This told me one thing, that he was only here for the good times. Bad times wise, he would be the first to bolt out of the door, and that was exactly what he did. Well, so much for that. It is to me that he wants to have more fun with his newfound self and committment was the last thing on his mind. So, I spiralled downwards with my life, going online to search for the next person and the next and the next. It took me a while to realise what I was doing. It was absolutely self destructive. It took me a long time to separate lust from love. Even up till now, I am not so sure.

Relationships are like surfing. I thank my job for it's perks. It landed me in LA once and I took a jog to the beach, one cool, balmy morning. I stopped to enjoy the view, waves crashing on the shore, people doing yoga, surfers, trying to catch the perfect wave. I pondered, and compared it to relationships.. The surfers sit out in the water all morning, waiting for the perfect wave to come. Only to come crashing down seconds later, because they could not handle it. Should they have just, be contented with the wave they caught before that? Or should they always go for something better, with the risk of surfing it poorly, getting injured and not being able to surf for the rest of their lives?

I'm glad to have baking with me by my side. For it is when, I am the happiest.